Parenting doesn’t come with instructions. Babies aren’t born with a How-To manual attached to them. Most of us learn through experience, responding moment by moment, doing the best we can with the knowledge, energy, and tools we have. Some days feel smooth and connected, while others feel chaotic, exhausting, and confusing. And often, the gap between what we intend and how our child perceives us can feel much larger than expected.

One of the most helpful shifts parents can make is understanding how children actually experience the adults who raise them. Children rarely see us as individuals with our own histories, preferences, or needs. Instead, they view us through the roles we play in their lives.

These roles are consistent across age, culture, temperament, and family structure. They show up whether you are a biological parent, adoptive parent, stepparent, grandparent, or primary caregiver.

The three roles are:

• Mother/Father
• Parent
• Counselor/Guide

Understanding these roles and learning when to step into each one creates clarity. With clarity comes calmer communication, stronger boundaries, and a deeper sense of trust and connection.

Let’s explore each role and how bringing them into balance can transform daily interactions and overall family dynamics.

Role One: The Mother/Father Role

Rooted in nurture, comfort, and belonging.

This role is about emotional connection, safety, and warmth. When a child comes to you seeking comfort after a hard day, needs reassurance after a mistake, or simply wants closeness, this is the role they’re reaching for.

It sounds like:

• “I’m here.”
• “You’re safe.”
• “I care about how you feel.”
• “You are not alone.”

What they hear:

• “You are worthy.”
• “You have meaning.”
• “You belong.”

This role builds emotional security. It anchors the child’s nervous system and teaches them how to regulate their own emotions through co-regulation. It’s not about solving the problem in front of you, it’s about meeting the emotional need underneath it.

When this role is missing or inconsistent, a child may become clingy, anxious, avoidant, or emotionally reactive. When it’s overused, boundaries may become unclear, and the adult may drift into over-accommodating or rescuing.

The key word for this role is: connection.

Role Two: The Parent Role

Rooted in structure, boundaries, and authority.

This is the role responsible for expectations, responsibility, and follow-through. It teaches children how to navigate the world, how to respect themselves and others, and how to understand the relationship between freedom and responsibility.

It sounds like:

• “Here’s what’s expected.”
• “Here’s the limit.”
• “This behavior has a consequence.”
• “We follow through.”

What they hear:

• “There are positive and negative outcomes.”
• “You always have the choice about which outcome you create.”
• “You have accountability to yourself and those around you.”

This role shapes a child’s sense of accountability, predictability, and respect. It helps them develop confidence and internal structure; skills they will eventually rely on independently.

When this role is underactive, a child may test limits endlessly, struggle with self-regulation, or feel uncertain about who is in charge. When it is overactive, a child may feel controlled, criticized, or unseen emotionally.

The key word for this role is: guidance with boundaries.

Role Three: The Counselor/Guide Role

Rooted in reflection, communication, and problem-solving.

This role helps children learn how to name their feelings, think through choices, and make sense of their experiences. It helps them connect behavior to values and develop internal wisdom.

It sounds like:

• “What happened?”
• “What were you feeling in that moment?”
• “What might you try next time?”
• “How can we repair this?”

What they hear:

• “Your thoughts and feelings matter.”
• “You have a good mind and I want you to trust it.”
• “I’m here to guide you.”

This role teaches emotional intelligence, self-awareness, empathy, and conflict resolution. It says to the child, “You have a great mind and your thoughts have value.” It allows space for curiosity rather than defensiveness or pressure.

When this role is missing, children may struggle to process experiences or understand the impact of their actions. When it’s overused, especially too early developmentally, it can feel like over-talking, lecturing, or over-explaining.

The key word for this role is: reflection.

Why Balance Matters

Many parents naturally lean more strongly toward one role. Some excel at boundaries but struggle with emotional presence. Others are incredible nurturers but feel overwhelmed by discipline or structure. Some love teaching and discussing feelings but skip the step of simply holding space and listening.

There is no perfect parent and no ideal ratio. Instead, balance is responsive based on context, age, maturity, stress levels, and the situation unfolding in real time.

For example:

• A crying toddler dropping their snack does not need a lecture, they need comfort first.
• A teenager slamming doors may need both boundaries and emotional support in sequence.
• A child who hits a sibling needs a limit, reflection time, and a repair, not just one part of the process.

When parents understand and use the three roles intentionally, the entire household dynamic shifts. Conflict becomes an opportunity to connect and teach. Power struggles become less frequent. Children feel seen, not just managed.

The Most Common Challenges Parents Face

Many parenting difficulties come from role imbalance rather than a lack of love or effort.

Examples include:

• Feeling constantly disrespected, ignored, or talked back to
• Negotiating endlessly or repeating instructions without follow-through
• Becoming emotionally overwhelmed or reacting instead of responding
• Feeling guilt when enforcing boundaries
• Uncertainty about when to comfort and when to teach
• Feeling either too strict or too permissive, or swinging between the two

These challenges aren’t signs of failure; they’re signals that something needs clarity. Once you understand which role is needed and when, the confusion eases.

How Awareness Changes Parenting

When parents become intentional about how children perceive them, communication often improves quickly. Children tend to respond better because the adult’s role meets the emotional or developmental need beneath the behavior.

You may notice:

• Fewer power struggles
• Less emotional escalation
• More mutual respect
• Quicker recovery from conflict
• More moments of connection
• Clearer boundaries with less resistance

Even small adjustments, one sentence, one pause, one shift in tone can make a meaningful difference.

You Don’t Have to Figure It Out Alone

Parenting isn’t just about raising children; it’s about growing alongside them. Understanding the three roles gives you a framework that supports both sides of the relationship.

If you want practical tools, clearer communication strategies, and support applying these concepts to real-life situations, a focused session can help. Together, we can look at what’s working, what feels challenging, and how to bring the roles into balance in a way that fits your family.

You don’t have to be perfect, you just need clarity, support, and room to grow.

Ready to Strengthen Your Parenting with Clarity and Confidence?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, unsure, or simply wanting more harmony at home, Jonathan Yorks offers a warm and grounded approach to help you understand your child’s experience and your own role in a clearer way.

Through the Parenting Guide session, you’ll gain practical tools, personalized insight, and a framework you can use immediately in daily life.

Begin creating a calmer, more connected family dynamic.

Book a free consult to start your Parenting Guide session today.